So I came across this brilliant article from the Huffington Post, and while I’m glad to see someone finally sticking it to the hipsters, I didn’t think it went hard enough, so I thought I’d expound a little bit.
Fresh baked bread
Ok we get it, bread is good, but does it really need to ALWAYS be fresh? Pop open some classic wonder bread, put the ham on it and you’re good. Also they are called bagels, not BRAGels, got it skinny jeans?
Ever since Sean Kingston wrote the hipster anthem “Beautiful Girls”, hipsters have been pining for the sweet sweet Caribbean flavor of Tropical Skittles. Wanna know something, hipsters? We’re not impressed with your light blue colored bag or your ironic guava flavored Skittles. When I want a bag of Skittles I’ll reach for the red.
Van Camp’s Baked Beans
When was the last time you were in Brooklyn and you didn’t see some hipster guzzling a big bowl of Van Camp’s baked beans? It’s like the PBR of legumes! Watch out hipsters before you get sugary bean sauce all over your SKINNY JEANS.
ANYTHING served in a bowl!
Since when did all these fixed-gear-bike-riding-fedora-wearing hipsters become too good for a plate? Sorry hipsters, but bowls are for dog food, not kale smoothies!
Last time I tried to order a Steak Oscar in a Brooklyn steakhouse I was almost laughed out of the place by some skinny jeans hipsters who were listening to The Arcade Fires on their iPhones. Uh, sorry hipsters but some of us don’t have enough money for cognac sauce on their steaks!
Not quite a grape and not quite a peach, plums are basically the Zooey Deschanel of the fruit world. Hipsters have been gobbling up these quirky fruits ever since Daft Punk wrote their first techno songs. Sorry hipsters, but the real world is over it.
Egg Foo Young
Does it really surprise anyone that hipsters can’t get enough of this quirky Thanksgiving, Chinese food, Breakfast hybrid? And speaking of hybrids, aren’t those the cars hipsters are driving all over portland these days?
Movie Theater Popcorn
We get it, you love the cinema and of course you love indie films the most, but regular people are a little tired of seeing hipsters with movie theatre styled butter topping in your beards and ALL OVER your flannels.
Breyers Blasts! Golden Oreo ice cream
What, regular old fashioned cookies and cream ice cream not cool enough for you Hipsters in Austin Texas to eat on a hot Texas day? Sorry to be “square” but I want my chunks of cookies to be black in my cookies and cream. The hipsters at Breyers are trying a little too hard.
Another example of your every day hipsters obsession with the flavors of the tropics. Coconut and marshmallows aren’t a salad, nice try quirksters! isn’t this why you guys invented kale?
Canfield’s Diet Swiss Creme Soda
Pretty sure that it’s impossible to log in to your Vice or Pitchfork accounts unless you have a few of these sodas swimming around in your system. Hey hipsters, last time I checked “buying local” doesn’t mean importing gourmet sodas from the Alps. Typical.